Not another fucking newsletter…

Somewhere in a marketing textbook there's a chapter about mutual value exchange. Here's ours:

We get: the best years of our lives sacrificed to the startup internet.
You get: a four minute read on a Friday morning.

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Let's get into it.

keep calm and trust in sam altman

He was not joking.

OpenAI just closed the largest private funding round in history. A company that was a nonprofit research lab ten years ago just raised the equivalent of a sovereign budget. $122 billion. $852 billion valuation.

Still not a public company.

Amazon put in $50 billion. SoftBank $30 billion. Nvidia $30 billion.

For the first time in OpenAI's history, the round was opened to individual retail investors through a selection of handpicked ETFs. 

So yes. Your dad's girlfriend got into the round before you did. 

And tbf the company does have some things going for it. $2 billion in monthly revenue. 900 million weekly users. Growing faster than Google and Meta did at the same stage.

But still not profitable.

$35 billion of Amazon's investment is contingent on OpenAI either going public or achieving AGI. Naturally, we reached out to Jeff to ask about his machine god fallback plan and whether he could define AGI for us.

His response: "We'll know it when we see it."

"I'm the Terminator and you've been terminated. You won't be back bitch."

— Larry Ellison

Earlier this week, Oracle fired between 20,000 and 30,000 people. Roughly 18% of its entire workforce. The notification method: a 6am email from an account called "Oracle Leadership." No prior warning. No call from HR. No conversation with a manager. Just an email, and then your laptop stopped working.

The email cited "broader organisational change." Which is one way to describe firing one in five of your employees before most of them had made coffee.

Here’s the reality. Oracle signed a $300 billion cloud contract with OpenAI. It committed to Stargate, a $500 billion AI infrastructure project announced at the White House alongside the President, Masayoshi and Sam Altman. The logic was simple: Oracle builds, OpenAI fills, the revenues service the debt.

There was only one problem. OpenAI is still unprofitable. The banks got nervous. Multiple US lenders pulled back from financing the data centres. Oracle is now sitting on over $100 billion in total debt, a stock down nearly 30% this year, and a building programme that needs $156 billion to complete.

So they found the money elsewhere.

On March 31st, the entire source code of Claude Code was published publicly. 512,000 lines of TypeScript. 1,900 files. Everything.

No hack. No sophisticated attack.

Someone forgot to add one config file and accidentally exposed a zip archive sitting openly on Anthropic's own cloud storage. Nobody had to break anything. The file was just there.

By 4:23am, an intern at a blockchain security firm had spotted it, posted the download link on X, and inevitably 16 million people descended on the thread. Within two hours the code had been copied, distributed, and rebuilt from scratch by tens of thousands of developers. The fastest-growing upload in GitHub's history.

Anthropic called it "a release packaging issue caused by human error, not a security breach." Which is corporate for, someone forgot to tick the right box.

But this surprisingly is not their only leak of the weak. Just 5 days prior, someone left 3,000 internal files, including details on an unreleased model codenamed Claude Mythos, in a publicly accessible folder.

Earlier this year, Anthropic raised $30 billion at a $380 billion valuation. That same month, the US government declared it a national supply chain security risk. Anthropic is in court fighting that designation. Their argument, broadly, is that they are the most careful and responsible AI company in the world.

In the same week they’ve managed to leak their own source code…

Twice.

Anthropic is preparing for IPO. The timing couldn't be better worse.

Meanwhile… 

Let us know what you thought of today's issue.

Until then.

Thanks for reading. We'll be back next Friday with more proof that nobody knows what they're doing.

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